Why some Dreams must Die

catsrome

When I was 11 I made a statement to the universe that I wanted to work at Microsoft someday. I recall clearly standing in the Seattle public library, with an idea of this fantastic company, a place full of computers and endless creative possibilities in my mind.

When I was 19 I was offered a job there, and turned it down, at the time it was not a fit. 2 hours of commute each way and minimum wage for a front office position just didn’t quite appeal to me. But my dream didn’t die then.

Then when I was 25, and lived across the street from the MS campus, with some serious experience behind me, I accepted a position with my dream company. It was a wonderful, but tedious, position – I assisted one of the teams in the MS Research division – and I’d sit and listen to students and professors and employees outside my office talk about theoretical physics, computers, algorithms, I loved this part of it. On the other hand I had a co-worker who loathed her job, and the company, and was so bitter she poisoned the water of the well I was drinking from.

I left without hitting a year, the image I had of my dream was surely tainted at this point, but it wasn’t gone yet.

I returned some months later, after many wonderings along the way, if I should really pursue this company the way that I was. Yet I’d found an awesome group to work with and that did help, a lot.

I will shorten this part of the story, not because it isn’t worth telling, but because it is too sad and I still carry too much of that sorrow with me, to want to delve too deeply in to it tonight. I spent another 3 1/2 years with MS, and I left because my dream had died.

My dream had failed to evolve with me, with the company I had longed to work for, with the job I loved to do. And I held on to this dream so tightly, that even as it was killing me (literally, the stress was killing me, I was suffering organ issues and terrible pain among other things) I couldn’t let go, I couldn’t admit that this dream, had to die.

And I had to walk away from it’s corpse.

I spent the better part of 2 years trying to change things there, trying to change myself to fit perfectly, so that the dream could live – and I was dying to do so.

Now, I don’t regret, for one moment, my choice to follow my dream there. To have the experiences I did, positive or otherwise, to meet the people along the way, to learn and grow. I don’t regret much in my life…

However I regret not letting go of the dream, not letting it die, and creating a new dream to follow. One that expanded and allowed for the changes that life inevitably brings to us all.

From my time there, from birth to death of this dream of mine, I learned that I can do just about anything, and succeed, anywhere in the world. It was a bit like my childhood, if I can make it through these years? I can make it through the next years of my life no sweat.

There seems to be an either/or approach to our waking dreams in society – we either cling on to them and Follow them, “Never give up on your dreams”, or we ignore them, what’s the use, I can’t have that.. No ones successful following their dreams, or.. get your head out of the clouds.

I believe there needs to be a middle ground. So that we follow our dreams, like a trail up the mountain, but understand that sometimes? There are not just rocks along the path, but boulders, crevices, and once in a while, the path just utterly dissapears. And rather than giving up, packing it in and going back the way we came, or pushing on in to dangerous wilderness, sometimes? We need to stop, reconnect with our direction, our dream, our path. And allow it to be adjusted, understanding we are exactly where we are meant to be.

And we don’t have to fight this, we don’t have to struggle with the change, we don’t have to put on blinders and pretend it’s all ok either.

Dreams need room to breathe, to evolve. A seed is a dream unborn, it will break free of it’s current casing and become something wild and free, if we will step back and allow it.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Cat
    Nov 18, 2013 @ 15:59:37

    I like this post. I can relate to it

    Reply

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